Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
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there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.