Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
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“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
when it鈥檚 summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
don鈥檛 give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I bet Gloria Estefan鈥檚 kids were terrified of rhythm.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you鈥檙e going to rob a bank make sure it鈥檚 not the one you normally use.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I鈥檓 asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I鈥橫 AWAKE.
Hornets: they鈥檙e terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 馃檪
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya