Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
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“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.