Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
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I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Note to self: I am a note
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro