Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
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If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.