me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
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I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Damn he played himself
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.