me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
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It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
the prophecies have been fulfilled
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.