me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
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Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance