Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
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Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
This rocks
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.