Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
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[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly