me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
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I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.