Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
You Might Also Like
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
kids play hide and seek like
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not