Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
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“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.