Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
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Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.