Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
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A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream