Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
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Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
thanksgiving should be called feaster
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List