I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
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HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
what day is it?
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.