[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
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When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
sliding into dms like
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome