Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
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Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Husband of the year 😂
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.