Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
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My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
That eye roll….
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I’d love this…lol
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
🤣😈🤣
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
handsome & gretel
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.