He loved it so much he walked himself up.
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[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
THE AUDACITY. 😤
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”