A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
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As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
I did not eat the cake…
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.