cats when you pet them too long:
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GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
prepare for carbonated trouble
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels