Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
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Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
reviewed some movies recently
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea