Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
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“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not