Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
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lmaaaaaooooooooo
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[shakes fist at other fist]
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants