Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.