Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
The 6 types of sex
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.