ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
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Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit