Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
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I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Holy shit he’s back
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat