Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
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2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.