Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
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[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping