me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
You Might Also Like
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Spell check is for lasers.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED