@AYYSIAN: Me: "I want to go on a diet." Food: "LOL no."
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken. *pushes their faces together* Me: Did they kiss and make up? 5: No. She headbutted him.
@ericsshadow: [wife frantically searching the house] Have you seen the kids, I've looked everywhere [me napping on couch] OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
@dafloydsta: [therapy] HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room? ME: I don't like to talk about him ELEPHANT: Ok wow I'm like right here man