Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
me when the borders lift
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier