Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
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Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
😆this is so true
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Waiting for the Charmin
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product