Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
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This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”