Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Perfect
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”