alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
You Might Also Like
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.