Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.