Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
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“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I have no passwords left in me
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
sugar glider wrangler
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
an airline just for babies.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.