Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
decorating my apartment
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Wake me when AI does housework
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels