Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Guy who likes music
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.