Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
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To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents