ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
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It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.