ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
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I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
We’ve come full circle
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.