ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
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Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.