Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
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The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.