Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
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Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
They did not miss in the small print
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
motivation
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.