ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
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Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
crochet youtube is brutal
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
No. YOU-buprofen.
#FunnyLife Insects
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.