me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
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*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.