ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
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[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T