ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
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In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
When you’ve simply given up.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
For anyone who needs this today
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno